Poured Out and Empty

Man, sometimes you give and give. You feel like you’re doing a good job, I mean you’re doing the best you can right? What else can people ask for? It’s not like your apathetic. It’s not like your not trying. You are, and very hard at that. You use every resource available to you and still sometimes things just don’t click. Frustration is the common emotion.
How do I measure success? How do you motivate others around you? Is it my job to motivate others or just to kinda, “be there” and exist in the same space letting them figure out their own path?
I don’t know.
I feel huge amounts of achievement when I hang out with Eve-Marie. She tells me she loves me often and unprovoked. She tells me frequently that I’m, “The best Daddy ever.” It’s like my sole desire is to see her grow as a child of God and pour out every bit of love I can on her. Towards that endeavourer I feel some measure of progress.
Like the girl has this problem where she doesn’t like to do things unless she can do them perfectly the first time. The process of try, fail, learn from the failure, and try again is a difficult one for her. Now maybe it’s pretentious of me to say that this is a “problem” for Evie. I mean maybe it’s not. Maybe that’s just who she is and it’s not a problem. But I see her frequently missing out of life when she succumbs to giving up and also see her joy in those moments when she stretches and tries again. I feel like as her Dad it should be my job to teach, push, encourage, motivate, train, and/or otherwise modify her behavior so that she experiences more joy. I mean It’s not like I’m being selfish. I want what’s best for her. I just so happen to take personal satisfaction when in seeing my daughter overcome her fears.
One area this manifests itself is in riding a bike. Evie won’t go downhill. She’s pretty good at using the brakes but she’s not 100% reliable. The fear of losing control going downhill is paralyzing for her and she gets off the bike and walks it down the hill. Evie also loves to be in front. I think most kids do. So I tell her she can only be in front if she rides the bike. If she walks the bike she must walk behind me. Her desire to be in front over powers her fear of losing control and she agrees to get on the bike. I hold on to the seat and run along side in the event she’d need me to stop her. I didn’t need to. She knew how to use the brakes. But I guess me being there, with my hand on the seat was comfort enough for her to laugh and smile and say, “I did it!”
I don’t know. I feel like that’s what dads are supposed to do. Maybe I am good at being a Dad. Maybe that’s the problem. I mean I’m Eve-Marie’s dad, but I’m not anyone else’s. Maybe it’s condescending to treat people as though I possibly have some time of knowledge that they could benefit them. Maybe I try to teach other people the way I teach Eve-Marie and it’s just not effective.
Man I’m just phreaking rambling. All I know is that I spend a large portion of my day intentionally shutting my mouth and listening to others. Right now I just wish someone would listen to me.


 

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