Sometimes Sarah teaches me so much about God and life in one shot that it becomes overwhelming. I find myself asking, “That’s so simple! Why did I come up with that sooner?” “Why is she so blessed to see life with such raw realism while I float along on some idealistic fantasy?” It’s not that I’m jealous of my wife, although I am, it’s more like being disappointed with myself. I want so desperately to serve God and do what’s right. I have no desire to do anything wrong. The Bible says, “Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.” (Mt. 5:28) I’m completely down with that. I mean seriously, if I never made a mistake again in my life I would be a pretty happy guy.
I don’t feel like it’s a heart problem. My heart is totally sold out on Jesus. It’s a knowledge problem. I just don’t know what’s right and therefore can’t do it. Some people know the good the ought to do and forsake this. That doesn’t seem to be my problem as of late. I find myself weighing every second of my time asking, “Am I doing God’s will right now?”
For the most part this approach to life has brought me deep amounts of satisfaction, contentment, joy and peace. And yet in other moments, like now, I feel wholly disturbed. It’s almost as thought God himself is putting a weight on my heart to tell me something is out of sync and needs to change.
That’s a scary thought. Sometimes when I believe I see obvious change that needs to take place in someone’s life I pray for God to burden their heart. Maybe that’s arrogant. Maybe “Change” isn’t “necessary” and even less “obvious.” I’m preaching this Sunday on the need for change. You’d think I’d be a little more sure of myself before I spoke in front of a group of people as though I had some kind of authority.
I guess it comes down to change has worked for me in the past. My life is better because I’m not the same as I used to be. I mean really I’m speaking from experience. Is it bad to desire to see others experience the same thing you experience? Is it wrong when that “experience” is joy, peace, love, and contentment?
Man, how I long for faith like a child. I wish it was a matter of a devil on one shoulder arguing with an angle on the others. That kinda choice seems clear and obvious. I’ve now stepped into a realm where a chorus of voices are all shouting out conflicting and mutually exclusive advice out of mouths that are neither clearly good nor clearly evil, but rather are some sort of commingled ethically androgynous blur.

1 Response to “Crisis”

  1. 1 Steph Helkenn May 18, 2006 at 1:40 pm

    Hang in there Billy! 🙂 The fact that you’re searching after the Lord’s heart means you’re headed in the right direction. You’ll make it and you’re doing great. -Steph

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